New super nostrums, remedies for afflicted golfers

I have always been puzzled by the crazy names of drugs and medications, especially those advertised on television – and there are plenty. Who comes up with these seemingly randomly lettered names? Here are a few: OPZELURA, SOTYKTY, MOUNJARO and many more.

I thought I would share my proposed names for yet-to-be developed substances aimed at clearing up a few of the most difficult conditions plaguing golfers.

YIPNOMORE: The “yips” are basically an uncontrolled body movement whereby the hands and wrists (mostly) react to nervous tension in a jerky, clumsy manner, causing the putter to awkwardly stab at the ball with no guidance whatsoever. It’s a matter of involuntary wrist spasms that usually seems beyond the player’s brain function to control. With YIPNOMORE you will remain calm and serene as you putt, seeing and hearing the ball drop into the cup. This remedy supports healthy brain and neuromuscular function, offering you the confidence to perform to your true potential. Side effects include the joy of surprising your fellow golfers at how good a putter you really are, winning more of your golf matches for money, cash savings since you won’t need to buy more new putters and sleeping much better with less worrying at night.

SLICEBEGONE: The bane of almost all higher-handicapped recreational golfers is the slice. For right-handed golfers this is a banana-shaped ball flight produced from a swipe (outside-in) of the clubface hitting the ball. Thousands of articles have been written about how to “cure” your slice. Either casual golfers don’t read them or none of them work. SLICEBEGONE worked in clinical trials with quite a few awful golfers, so it will work for you. SLICEBEGONE will support your effort to prevent “coming over the top” with your driver, and help keeping you from “casting” – i.e. swinging your club like a fishing rod. Also it will help dampen your tendency to angrily throw your club after a wild slice out of bounds. Side effects include a lower handicap, which is good news or bad news, depending whether you’re a sandbagger or not.

SHANKNOZIO:  A golf ball hit between the hosel and the inside face of the clubhead that goes low and off to the right (left for L.H. players) is a “shank,” also called a “hosel rocket” or a “pitch out” or other unkind terms. It’s a dreaded and usually costly mistake. Fortunately, there is SHANKNOZIO, which is 90 percent effective with daily use and practice. Get your confidence back and play golf like you did before the shank virus grabbed you. Side effects of SHANKNOZIO include a glowing smile on your face, an end to the rumors that you have become another victim of the shanks and the feeling that you are a born-again golfer.

CHOKENOT. Having a nervous meltdown with everything on the line is commonly referred to as “choking.” We’ve all done it: Going brain dead and wound tighter than a tension spring, we snatch failure from the jaws of victory. It happens in all sports. In 1999, Jean Van De Velde held a three-shot lead on the final hole in the Open Championship at Carnoustie, made a triple-bogey and lost in a playoff. Greg Norman led by 6 strokes going into the final round at the 1996 Masters and lost by four to Nick Faldo. But take heart – now there’s CHOKENOT, a revolutionary solution which supports mental toughness. There are no generics and no side effects. It’s worth the exorbitant cost.